E3 Summary

Sony’s E3: Sony’s entire conference: We’re awesome. We have the number one online gaming network in the world*. Sony’s just kewl. Oh look, here’s Super Smash Bros Bra- *cough* I mean, a totally new IP, BATTLE ROYALE! You should care about. Saving games on your PS3 and vita at the same time is cool, like it.

Oh look gais, Playstation Plus is pretty kewl too, but obviously not if you have our brand new platform. Its only kewl enough for a 7 year old piece of sunsetting hardware. All the people in the audience who probably already have PS+, here’s some more for free. Its kewl.

Oh, so you like Vita games? You like Call of Duty? Look, we have a really kewl combination of the Black Ops 2 guy, a Vita, and a Black Ops: Declassified logo where the vita’s screen should be. Funny story, one of our HR guys did this a few hours ago. We don’t actually have any gameplay, just a quick shoutout that its coming in 3 months. Like we said last year. OH LOOK, ASSASSINS CREED ON VITA WAO! Looks fun, amirite?! Thats it for the Vita, screw all you guys who took a chance and bought it day one. You don’t need games, a mediocre Uncharted and horrifically bad Resistance should hold you over until next E3.

But look. WONDER BOOOOOK… Its a book… a wonderful book full of wonder. We have a book that JK Rowling basically just approved, and wrote some crap down on a napkin for. We can pretend she wrote all of it, even though she isn’t even prominently featured as the author on the cover. Buy 3 of them. What?! Its not working?! Well, that’s why we have these types of demos! *cough*

Oh, and God of War. All right guys, HAEV A GOOD NIGHT~!

Nintendo: Pikmin 3, Miyamoto. Miyamotos a pretty damn nice guy, ayup. And you know, its been 8 years. *crowd is awed, incredibly excited for what’s next*

So. We don’t have a lot of time to talk about the hardware today, because its all about the games. So let me just spend ten minutes explaining why it is our personal opinion why you should like this. We’re not going to actually show you anything other than a quick informercial explaining the tablet controller in a very basic way. But WE as a company think this is cool. Buy it. ON TO THE GAMES!

So, heres a game most of you have already played, last year. But this time around, it has armor. Batman armor. Which is kewl. Batman with armor is kewl, very kewl. Same game though, so here’s a 20 second preview of why our gamepad is going to make it as gimmicky as possible. Who didn’t sit at their 360/PS3 last year and say “If only I had some sort of touchscreen embedded into my controller, then I would have to use this stupid button to select batmans gadget”.

Oh yeah, moar games. We have 23 of them. So here’s a quick montage showing old footage of random multiplatform titles. We know we could have had Randy Pitchford up here showing of the cool motion tracker on the gamepad, or talking about how Aliens will look the best on the Wii U’s hardware. But heck, that would just be logical! So here’s the montage, complete with another old game you’ve already played, Mass Effect 3!

And now… the moment you’ve all been waiting for NOT ZELDA/METROID/ETC! NINTENDOLAND! It’s like a themepark, but way kewler. Here’s pacman, but Nintendo themed. And some on rails Zelda bullcrap. You better like it, because its about all you’re going to have. PYSCH! And that’s the show folks, go home now. No pricing or games or anything, when people head up to the register day one, then they can find out the price, and ONLY IF they sign a NDA.

Microsofts E3: Halo 4, it looks pretty nice. But you know, Xbox is about entertainment. Its about entertainment… its about entertainment… NOT GAMES. Obviously not games, sheesh, get with the times people. So, at this gaming convention, once you’ve gotten your 10 minutes of Halo, Gears, and Call of Duty, we can dedicate the rest of the 90 minute show to… SMART GLASS, WORTHLESS CRAP AND USHER! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW.

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